free write

Meryl streep

2011-03-07T22:29:00.000-08:00

But today is about looking forward into a world where so-called women's issues, human issues of gender inequality lie at the crux of global problems from poverty to the AIDS crisis to the rise in violent fundamentalist juntas, human trafficking and human rights abuses and you're going to have the opportunity and the obligation, by virtue of your providence, to speed progress in all those areas. And this is a place where the need is very great, the news is too. This is your time and it feels normal to you but really there is no normal there's only change, and resistance to it and then more change.

TUMBLR

2010-10-05T00:46:00.000-07:00

Hello I decided to start a new blog on tumblr cause its easier to use hahahaha. Since i dont publicly advertise this blog i might just keep this as a more private one and post more personal things here. So for now-- you can go to my tumblr instead.

http://marecanshare.tumblr.com/

You dont know what it means to lose something until you've lost it.

2010-08-17T16:39:00.000-07:00

I watched a movie called Aftershock the other day. It's a Chinese movie about the earthquake in 1976 at Tangshan, China. I have to say its one of the most emotional movies I've seen in a long time perhaps ever. I watched it with my parents after a long delicious home-cooked meal. I love my parents. I can see the change in my heart as God teaches me about roles, responsibilities, boundaries and so on.. Family is a beautiful thing no matter how broken.

Lately, its been hard to find joy in studying. Some stuff have been on my mind and I'm starting to think I have a problem with letting things get to me. You ever feel like screaming at the top of your lungs everything you feel? I wish I had hiro nakamura's powers I'd teleport to every person that I never had the guts to stand up to, freeze time and then tell them exactly how I've felt. Nobody would know!!

take me home

2010-08-02T17:30:00.000-07:00

My 11 year old cousin (Alicia) and the rest of the children are having their VBS thingamabobber at church this week. 2 little girls from brooklyn are staying with us while they attend the VBS here.
One is 8 (Baracka!) and she definitely can give Agnes a run for her money. The other one is 10 and is by far the most mature 10 year old (Rebecca) I've ever met. Though they are unrelated, Rebecca is an awesome big sister to Baracka. I asked if they were cousins or related and Baracka answers, " No, but we're sister's in the Lord" in that childish slow high pitched voice. It was awesome. Call me a creeper but Im listening to their conversation while they wash up. (My room is connected to the bathroom)

8 year old (shes showering): Oopsie daisy!
10 year old: What happened?
8 year old: I forgot my underwear!

puahahaha

No

2010-07-25T19:01:00.001-07:00

Must say this has been a rather odd week for me. Filled with ups and downs..and of course more revelations about myself. To be honest with you I'm not sure why I wanted to isolate myself and come to a new environment but it was a decision I decided to make FOR MYSELF. Some days it feels like the whole "dying to yourself" is not working out when everyday just feels like you're losing it! Then there are days I spend with God and am completely at peace with who he made me to be. This is a storm alright. Today in church the pastor mentioned that "the storms in our lives do NOT define who we are but REVEAL who we are." This just seemed to put things more in perspective. That all this self discovering in the suburbs is simply a time after the storm when I can finally gather myself and I guess you can say im still a little dizzy.

The city girl in me cant help but feel complete aggravation and frustration at the protected and sheltered lifestyle I've experienced here. I feel like I've been trapped in a box. BUT in the midst of the containment I am able to see how deeply loved I am. Im telling you...ups and downs galore.

My dad recently found some home videos of when I was little. Man, I WAS really loved and soo happy and playful. But if you watch the videos chronologically you start to see a trend where I become less and less sure of myself (and more awkward too!!). I wonder what happened? When I watch the videos I cant help but feel like I'm that same girl that ran away as soon as the camera was on her. At least right now, I'm insecure. I've defined myself 10,000 ways from my upbringing, my relationships, my education, my experience etc. Through all this..one things for certain, I may not always have control of my circumstances BUT i am responsible for my attitudes, behaviors, expectations, and desires. Too often I've made excuses for other people and even more for myself! . In the midst of the constant debates with myself I've come to realize there is only one thing that can bring about reliable and steadfast change in my heart and of course...it is His grace and truth. Blessed are the poor in spirit--took me a while to understand this and I'm still not fully sure of what it means. I'm so tired of listening to a thousand voices (and people) tell me who I am. And all i know is...I dont have the strength to tell MYSELF anymore. So im just gonna watch Him do the work and wait for Him to take me through this storm.

commitment

2010-07-09T19:34:00.000-07:00

i think ive started a bunch of posts and never got around to publishing them. I guess i figured if people are going to read it, I should give them something worthwhile to read but then I realized...it really doessn't matter--

SO here's whats been up with me

SUBURBIA

I grew up in Flushing, Queens and its probably one of the most diverse places I've ever encountered. Definitely cannot say the same about Acton, MA. Ive been here for 3 full days now and have yet to encounter another Asian (in public at least). Also, I've witnessed a tractor driving on a highway (well it was one of those really wide and busy streets that are practically highways)! It's amazing how interesting things get when everything is slowed down or maybe its just cause I never pay attention. This morning I sat down with some Earl Grey, my Bible, journal and Priscilla Ahn (in ipod form of course heh). As I listened to Good day, I couldn't help but feel like I was seeing a tiny glimpse of what bliss is -- when you are entirely yourself and at peace with who you are, who you're with, and even where you'll be later. Maybe this is what I needed after all. Thanks for slowing things down so that I could listen to the music again.

ALSO!! I make my bed and help set the table for dinner everyday. I like it.

daddys girl

2010-04-23T12:44:00.000-07:00

Dear LanLan,

...Do you still remember what I told you "....You are precious to your future husband." Continue be happy. Keep your head up. I will be with you, support you, love you for whole my life.

Dad

Me as a High School Senior

2010-04-15T21:06:00.001-07:00

Life is existent and involved in every form and shape in the vast and everlasting sciences of the world. Whether it is the birth of a child, or the spread of a virus, life is the eternal source by which the universe has come to be. As life is lived and becomes more complex, knowledge is stretched and intellect is constantly being developed. Thus, with such thoughts in mind one is prompted to question: What is the purpose of life and what does it take for one to sustain it?

As I watched a video of the starving children in Africa, an overwhelming sensation of pity and despair consumed me. To see that such people do not have the slightest chance to experience the glory of life caused me to be both, sorrowful and furious at the fragility of life. Therefore, studying medicine, biology, and human development has always been my driving force to contribute as much as possible to life and mankind. Sustaining human life allows one to be part of a developing science that is the foundation of existence and thus, allows the universe to be an eternally developing place. Whether it is finding a cure to cancer, discovering a new gene, or simply putting a smile on a person’s face, I am certain that the gratification received from contributing to a person’s life or to the life of mankind, outweighs any other feelings of achievement.

It is knowledge that allows our life to be lived to its fullest but; it is life that allows one to achieve the omnipotence of knowledge and the powers of compassion. Thus, embracing life for what it is not only allows for a deeper level of intellect but allows the spread of such knowledge, contributing in ways that may benefit one child or even the world. I am certain such thoughts constantly run through the mind of the ideal physician, as they put their whole heart and care into each patient, everyday.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All i have to say is wow.....I was such an idealist. Interesting how not too much has changed in the last four years. I was an interesting girl back then.

Stop doing Start being

2010-04-03T13:10:00.000-07:00

When i let go of who I am, I become who I might be.

Personal but not Private

2010-03-08T10:38:00.000-08:00

From today' Purpose Driven Connection devotional:

While your relationship to Christ is personal, God never intends it to be private. In God's family you are connected to every other believer, and we will belong to each other for eternity. The Bible says, "In Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others." (Romans 12:5 NIV)....
God's purposes for his church are identical to his five purposes for you. Worship helps you focus on God; fellowship helps you face life's problems; discipleship helps fortify your faith; ministry helps find your talents; power helps fulfill your mission. There is nothing else on earth like the church!

If you've known me for sometime I often ask whether or not you're "happy." Not quite sure when it started but over the years I've just come to realize that most people often have a hard time answering this and rarely do I receive a confident YES. Recently, it's been super hard for me to even bother to ask. It's amazing how afraid I've become of carrying others' burdens on my heart. I read somewhere that compassion can be described as something like, "carrying your heart in mine" which is exactly what it literally feels like. My heart gets so heavy and I almost physically feel the weight of others' brokenness. Call me burnt out, tired, or even distant from God but I know He's teaching me something so incredibly valuable about His love. Though I'm not deeply intimate with Him at this moment, I know with all my stubborn heart that when He sees me He feels the weight a gazillion times more than I could ever feel or imagine. Yet, He did it. He carried and carries my heart and the rest of the world's. I want to love again, I do. Teach me to not be afraid. Teach me to be a member of your body. Teach me to love with heartbreaking joy.

Not 100% sure how the devotional is related but just felt like sharing.

i absolutely love you.

2010-01-23T22:15:00.001-08:00

It's the last Saturday of winter break and I must say this has been one of the most refreshing yet painful breaks of my four college years. Coming home to shouting and fighting is never a fun sight but who knew it would be such a blessing in disguise. Having spent all of the fall 09 semester trying to live with joy in my heart, as proposed in my previous post, I can only describe what happened as EPIC FAIL and TOTAL OWNAGE. Last semester could've possibly been the worst me ever. I was so lost by the millions of emotions piercing through my heart to the point where I often felt like totally exploding. As i watched the ones I love the most hurt and break I couldn't help but feel their pain but I was such a fool and couldn't see how God deeply desired for me to bring it all before Him-- to just cry with Him. I have spent 20 years being angry at my family and for the first time all I wanted to do was cry for them. It wasn't until the very end of my semester that I realized I was so deeply in pain FOR THEM rather than FROM them. And I hate how satan twisted empathy in a million ways to make me think that I was falling apart; that my life was a miserable mess that could not be saved, when in fact the emotions were all a blessing from God.

I was blinded and couldn't find the strength to sort through the emotions so everyday I would put off the loud voice in my head telling me to get on my knees and lay it all before Him. Obedience.I lacked it and as a result I couldn't hear or discern the truth without wanting to run to physically hear it from all the wrong places and people when all He wanted was to just cry with me. I couldn't see that all He wanted was to show me that His heart breaks a thousand times more than mine. My prayers during sophomore year had been answered, my heart was breaking for what broke His but my lack of obedience had brought me so far from the truth that I simply felt lost. So it took pretty much doing nothing at home and some painful words from the best friends for me to realize how much I had fallen for all sorts of lies. So that was my winter break..realizing that maybe this empathy thing IS a gift and that He's been slowly refining it.

In the midst of the chaos of my family I grew to love them so much more. With hope in my heart for their salvation I learned to fight my instincts to put up a wall or to run and to just love. For the first time in my life, I looked into my mom's eyes and listened to her pains and grievances and didn't feel a drop of anger but heartbreak, sorrow and I guess--love. In that moment she was the most beautifully broken woman in the world and I loved her more than anything. She's probably brought me the most pain in my life but it's because of her that I've learned we hurt the most for those we love the most. So I guess I've finally allowed myself to feel what my heart actually feels without immediately telling myself that I need to be strong. While this was so difficult to understand all of last semester, I think I now have a much better understanding of the blessing it is to have such a "gift" (that's in quotations because that's what people keep telling me it is..i still dont like calling it that haha).
It constantly reminds me of how little my capacity to love actually is and how much more the cross actually means.( If I can barely carry the burdens of one person how did He do it for the UNIVERSE?!?! )For the first time in 21 years, all I want to do is to hold her in a gentle embrace and tell her that I absolutely love her and have her understand it too.

Im tired.

2010-01-07T21:30:00.000-08:00

too busy looking at the tiny things in comparison to the vastness of your kingdom. So busy focusing on individual kinks and flaws about lifestyle choices and faith in myself and others that ive forgotten the simple commandments to just love. Why cant i open my eyes and see not just the brokenness but the beauty of it all. Sometimes I forget that God has many roles but Hes not just a role-player..but the nouns and verbs that make up the complete yet simple pleasures of the heart. He is beauty, love, perfection, all of the above. How tiny a God I've made him to be..that its only my life and the relationships that He desires to be sovereign over. God has a big picture that i keep keep forgetting. why do i focus on such ridiculous things and not the calling he has for us to see the world in His eyes. not just..MY WORLD but HIS. HE must be my world. HE MUST. I cannot live like this anymore. I want to love HIS WORLD. not mine.

Simple! I THINK NOT

2009-09-28T13:45:00.000-07:00

"Life is all about learning how to love, and God wants us to value relationships and make every effort to maintain them instead of discarding them whenever there is a rift, a hurt or a conflict."
- Rick Warren

Taking human development classes really has an effect on my perception of people and I often find myself categorizing personality types and attributing others' actions to the theories of people who spend their lives figuring out why people are the way they are. Though I want to be in on God's huge mysteries about His beloved ones, I find that I can know all the psychological mechanisms for certain behaviors or actions but I still cannot explain how BIG his Love was and is. I think the world is in bad shape when I type in the google search bar "define" and the first suggested word is love.

to be continued

take it day by day

2009-08-18T22:13:00.000-07:00

God is taking me in so many directions. After taking the summer to do some thinking (and being physically active!!) I've come to the conclusion that I seldom ENJOY things. God's been teaching me this all summer and yet I still have trouble finding joy in all the things He's blessed me with. It's been a good summer- full of heartache, growth, change, fun, learning and love. He has slowly been maturing my faith and bringing me to a deeper level of intimacy with Him. Being home is always hard but as I face the brokenness I am constantly reminded of how much I need Him. Though it seems like I am the worst me when I'm at home, faith and the Cross becomes so much more real. When I fail as a friend, a daughter, and a sister His perfect love is that much more beautiful. While these lessons are heavy on the heart, I find hope in knowing that He is the one who loves and adores me-- that I can wake up tomorrow and try again. There is deep joy in my heart from knowing that He delights in me and wants to share His beauty with me and through me. While it often appears that I am doing everything but the latter, I find peace in knowing that it doesn't change the fact that that is still what He desires--for me to share His holiness.

My professor once discussed the culture of overachieving college students (cornell kids in particular hahaha) who have always planned out their whole lives and have taken every means necessary to prepare and reach their goals. This rang so TRUE for so many of us in that lecture hall and I am sure it speaks much of our generation. For a long time that's how I've always known to live my life--set a goal and reach it. But over this summer I've come to realize that maybe its really not about the goals but the journey. I know it seems really simplistic and almost common knowledge but I've just been programmed to ACHIEVE, EXCEL, ACHIEVE SOME MORE. It took a 5 mile run and a whole lot of failing, frustration, and good friends to realize that FAITH means so much more than that. God has called us not to be doctors, lawyers, or some form of high status professional, but to simply live everyday as His children. Goals are awesome in that they provide a sense of direction but it's the journey that is just as important, if not more. With that in mind, I am re-energized and just about ready for whats to come in my last year of college as I learn to ENJOY Him and all the blessings He's given me.

tryptophan makes me trippy

2009-06-28T19:51:00.001-07:00

Guess its been awhile since ive posted. Life has been interesting. I'm so excited to see where God is taking me. Though I know we've been distant, and that its entirely my fault, He still gives me grace and lets me know that He's waiting and adoring me. Biochem quiz tomorrow...i will update for you folks later.

CONCENTRATE

2009-04-13T23:25:00.000-07:00

concentrate on whats important girl!!!!! a million things are running through my head...PRAY PRAY PRAY!!!

WEIRD

2009-02-21T13:29:00.000-08:00

so im kind of in a weird funk...maybe its a number of things combined but either way i dont like it! No worries its nothing hugely upsetting or whatever its just a weird transitional phase in my life. Thinking about the future and life after college is a little scary..cant imagine what seniors are going through! Sometimes it just feels silly..the things i worry about like...job/grad school, a place to live, income, student loans, home church, missions?, fellowship, and this one's the worst...a husband! aaaaaaaah. ok bye

All of my life in every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations" (Jeremiah 1:5, NIV). "For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'" (Jeremiah 29:11, NIV).

"Hi my name is Marion. I go to Cornell University"

2009-01-22T13:36:00.001-08:00

WARNING: My brain is pretty scattered but then again we never really make sense when we think out loud.

For the past year or two it never seemed to be apparent what the hype was all about. Perhaps, it was because going to an ivy league seemed so unattainable. I still recall that my fresh- out- of- high school self was seemingly disappointed in the end results of the college process. Something that I had been striving and wrestled with for so long was the battle for that name-- that "(Insert IVY League/ prestigious maybe even elitist private university name here ) " is the school that I have proven myself worthy of. The academic institution that would encompass my entire intellect and all that I have built myself up to be for the sake of one thing- my high horse of which I've come to despise , my pride.
So in my state of utter disappointment at saying, "I go to Binghamton University" which usually follows with, "its a State university in upstate New York," I'd cringe and hate it. Little did I know my world would be entirely changed there. It became a place that I grew to love beyond words. A place where I had grown ten-fold if not more. Though the campus was far from the beauties of the gothics you picture when you hear "university," it was and is, a place of sanctuary. I found my Peace there. I found family and above of all, I found Love. I found deep, heart wrenching, painfully learned, true, soul satisfying Love. As corny as it may seem, It was Him. My story with Jesus is ugly, but beautiful, sad, but joyous, broken, but perfect. There is not a doubt in my mind that I was destined to have gone to Binghamton and to meet my amazing Love. But I did not really see this until I left Binghamton and came to Cornell University.

Though Binghamton may have shown me the very essence of my heart and all the insecurities of what it means to be a fallen being, I never appreciated it until I was brought to this place: the university of my dreams. I cant help but feel almost ashamed that I had not wanted more for myself. A university with an esteemed name, THATS IT?! Thats all i wanted? How foolish of me. After letting go of my dreams, embracing Binghamton and experiencing some of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with, I'm here. I go to Cornell University and I have no idea how to feel. One semester has gone and as I look back I cant help but feel like this is how life will be like. Our deepest desires will not be obtained until He thinks we're ready. It's funny that it was when I finally let go and did not care about the pride in the name of a university that it was given back to me-- but this time, in the form of reality. I go to Cornell University and my time here has been amazing. I ended my semester with grades that I normally would not think would suffice for "good" but nonetheless, I am LEARNING so much. For the first time in my life I feel like I am engaged and learning in a setting among truly extraordinary people. Last semester, one of my professors ended the class with this: "There is hope but also much to be changed. Now go change the world." Though we're told that as students, "we are the future," that "we're the ones that are going to change the world," never have I truly felt like this was true. Finishing up my first semester at one of the top universities in the world, I couldn't help but feel like this was what He had destined for me. So many times in my life I've been encouraged that I would be amazing but never have I truly believed it until I came here. So what can I say about receiving an Ivy League education or let alone, any form of upper level education? It truly is a privilege and a gift from God. It should not and can not be taken for granted. I wouldn't be here today without my Love who I had come to know during my time at Binghamton, and have grown to love at Cornell. I would not be at such an amazing institution if not for the path that He had planned for me because I simply would not have understood the honor of being a part of what some have called the "best and the brightest".
"With great powers comes great responsibilities" - an awesome quotation that seems more than fitting when our dreams have finally been handed to us.

Next Goal: Medical School--I am glad to say that it is no longer the idol that it had once been in my life. Though it still consumes my worries, I have a much bigger dream and that is, to be a part of His amazing love for this world of which we are called to change.

P.S. I am too lazy to properly punctuate or fix grammatical errors. Sorry folks.

- mare

Ivy league

2008-12-10T13:45:00.000-08:00

to be continued.... hahahahha suckers jk there's much i would like to say as the semester comes to an end. itll be good i promise =]

Big braja

2008-11-08T15:50:00.000-08:00

Away message for tictac2k: its enough to just hear it

PinnacIe Chronos (6:44:29 PM): i'm proud of you

PinnacIe Chronos (6:44:32 PM): and you are appreciated

PinnacIe Chronos (6:44:36 PM): did you hear it?

sometimes big brothers are surprising =]

Idol worship

2008-10-28T12:56:00.000-07:00

When you're walking to class or taking some time to just chill, who or what are you usually thinking about?
When you find yourself at peace, what's bringing you comfort?
When you feel like you've succeeded who do you have to thank for it?
When you're the most upset, who or what is causing it?
When you're frustrated or angry, who or what is the source?
When you give up time to make sure it is satisfied, what exactly are you satisfying?
When you find yourself talking mostly about it to other people, what exactly are you talking about?
When you find your biggest worries pertain to it, what are you worrying about?
What is your idol?

Mine is premed.

I have a confession to make

2008-09-25T23:01:00.001-07:00

Truth is...i think about Binghamton everyday
Like a lover I cant let go of
It kills me that as much as I want to, I cant go back
And I miss everything about it
While it may be beautiful here
I just cant seem to be able to call it home.
I'm not looking for comfort or we-miss-you-too's
and I AM experiencing God here.. everyday actually..
but I miss bing and all its imperfections

1hour later...skyping with 14 people = mad awkward on my side but soo awesome to see the bing kids.. thanks for those little doses of love God

One Race

2008-09-14T14:20:00.000-07:00

Today I went to an oncampus church that was kinda awesome. The pastor spoke about how when we run the Christian Race we have to remember the prize, the reason why we run, the reward and how it surpasses all things. He used premed as an example hahaha how fitting. My struggle with control over my grades has often consumed alot of my life but coming here it seems to be very common. So common that I've already heard two sermons relevant to being a student and where God should be in our academic life. I guess its these times when I'm finally reassured of why God sent me here. So i will run this race and keep my eye on the amazing prize and I encourage those of you who still read this to do the same. Remember why it is you've chosen this life and who it is you are running for. If you cant remember then ask Him to remind you. God bless and fight the Good fight.

Is it worth it?

2008-09-07T17:01:00.000-07:00

So I've been at Ithaca for a little over two weeks. I have to say its been a very interesting experience thus far. Though there are many nights I'm convinced that I belong here, there are other times when I'm overwhelmed with a sense of uncertainty. I make numerous calls a day to my family at home because I have no one else to call. I sit around in my air-conditioned single thinking "what can I look forward to tonight?". Then there are those days where I walk around and the scenery is absolutely beautiful- gothic buildings, bell tower, huge quads with people studying on the grass or playing frisbee. This campus is filled with the spirit of minds wanting to learn, to be involved, to make a difference and enjoy this wonderful opportunity and those yet to come. Sometimes I really think to myself, man this is what a university is supposed to be like but then I think of my beautiful Binghamton family and cant help but feel like Cornell is missing something. Perhaps a bit of love or maybe even genuineity? As soon as you enter the campus you can feel the liveliness and the huge sense of pride among the student body. Everyone wears their Cornell gear like its nothing: hoodies, sweatpants, tshirts, bags, you name it they wear it. I think it's going to take me awhile before I identify myself as a Cornell student but for now I can honestly say that though I've questioned my decision, I am certain that God had big plans for me here and that's something I have to learn to wholeheartedly accept. It's going to be a hard journey and it's already been super lonely, but if it's for Him it is worth it. Thank you Binghamton for teaching me so much. I couldn't have done it without you.

I love you guys.
Marion

I think im gonna start going by mare again since there wont be any confusion with meir's awesome name. I'm going back to my crazy academically intense high school days starting with the return of my nickname. -__-

My dad, a Christian?

2008-07-03T13:49:00.000-07:00

So most of you probably know this but I wasn't raised in a Christian family actually maybe at one point for like a couple of months but my mom is a religion hopper. While it may be tough its also super awesome seeing the way God works. I've made it known that I believe in this dude named Jesus and they respect that so that's good. My brother asks questions a lot which mostly ends up turning into an argument and sometimes he even uses it against me. Either way its always a humbling experience and a great reminder of how i SHOULD be living my life. But anyway back to my dad..so today I came to the office to eat my lunch and kinda just lounged around and went online. As i browsed through people's facebook, aim profiles, blogs and whatnot I started thinking about my own summer schedule and started thinking man...what the heck am i doing this for again.. oh yeah...for "the experience" aka med school application fluff..and then out of nowhere i saw some statistics for acceptances and before you know it im freakin out about not getting in -__- so my dad looks at me and says "Hey, who you live life for? Your God right? So dont worry..you just try your best and let Him take care of it." I couldnt help but smile at my dad's semi-broken english comment and say "yeah, your right dad." Pretty cool huh? Sounded like a typical Christian answer.. so is my dad a Christian? One day.

Now Showing

2008-06-23T20:32:00.000-07:00

Hello all so i guess ive given in...this is my blogspot debut. I've actually had this blog for awhile but i had orginially used it as a way to journal instead of writing it all...personally typing inspires alot more creativity because it just looks neater and its so much faster...hahahah anyway but i feel like there isnt much to hide from you all and if i did i probably just wouldnt blog it. but anyway just to warn you all im pretty emo hahah ok bye

Kelly Clarkson - Irvine..i love kelly

2008-06-22T22:14:00.001-07:00

Are you there?
Are you watching me?
As I lie here on this floor
They say you feel what I do
They say you’re here every moment
Will you stay?
Stay ‘till the darkness leaves
Stay here with me
I know you’re busy, I know I’m just one
But you might be the only one who sees me
The only one to save me

Why is it so hard?
Why can’t you just take me?
I don’t have much to go
Before I fade completely

Can you feel how cold I am?
Do you cry as I do?
Are you lonely up there all by yourself?
Like I have felt all my life
The only one to save mine

How are you so strong?
What’s it like to feel so free?
Your heart is really something
Your love, a complete mystery to me

Are you there watching me?
As I lie here on this floor
Do you cry, do you cry with me?
Cry with me tonight

Are you there?
Are you watching me?

almost a year now..i have to admit... its still so hard

She came and left

2008-04-13T14:46:00.000-07:00

its so surreal seeing her here, telling her about the troubles of my heart when in actuality all i really wanted to say was- i miss you and its been hard without you. Pouring out my love is hard when I dont even have some for myself but pastor Kyle is right--other people matter more than me. She was a breathe of fresh air and a reminder of the person that every girl wishes to be including herself. Today it felt a little different-- like our burdens were shared and that my heart had been hurt and broken the way hers had been except she was smarter about it -__-. We are sisters in a world of distance. Its like our force fields collide and merge as we protect ourselves from the pains of life. I always trail behind her but at least Im there hoping that i could just have her force field envelope mine. It's like she's always the one to say, "its going to be ok" without ever actually saying it. Broken into a million pieces but maybe one day ill be able to use my half fixed self and be a fighting force for others. until then- i need to learn this mystery that is grace. I love because He loved me - something that should make all the sense in the world but is somehow a complete mystery. I love and i always will.

Brother Hsueh

2008-04-01T16:23:00.000-07:00

tictac2k (7:19:03 PM): i was thinking about when we were kids and i my first memory of you was when i came back from taiwan and you were showing me those like rulers that snap around your wrist

tictac2k (7:19:27 PM): and i remember...NOT remembering you cause i was kinda shy

tictac2k (7:19:38 PM): cause i was in taiwan for so long

tictac2k (7:20:02 PM): ok i know thats random and u probably dont care

PinnacIe Chronos (7:20:09 PM): ic

PinnacIe Chronos (7:20:15 PM): good story

PinnacIe Chronos (7:20:19 PM): not much has changed

PinnacIe Chronos (7:20:24 PM): i still show you the coolest stuff

PinnacIe Chronos (7:20:29 PM): except you have a better haircut

let it go

2008-03-29T00:20:00.000-07:00

So i thought of our conversation and i think its time i let go of my crazy thoughts. there are times when i want to believe certain things aand im so sure of it..but its time i come to grips with reality and remind myself that i am a freakin stubborn and self righteous sinner. I am not as open or loving as i used to be..i am slowly becoming the person that i did NOT want to become. As i live this life I want to find my peace again. find my place where i can love again. Sad thing is i know where it starts and i know how but i just dont do it. i dunno if its cause im scared but its gonna happen soon i can feel it...it all depends on if i want it BAD ENOUGH.

I am so unworthy of it. The fact that i know he and I will be destined to be together (by a Perfect Matchmaker) gives me peace...genuine peace and at the same time a sense of unworthiness. I am going to be so lucky. As long as i am reminded of this i will be ok =]

acapella

2008-02-22T00:15:00.001-08:00

after thinking about joining koinonia for the past 4 semesters here at binghamton..my questions on this matter have finally been answered..it is not for me simply because of the fact that i didnt make it. hahahaha. theres that whole deal about it not being God's will and I have to respect that but i cant help but feel somewhat discouraged. After being pretty much asked to try out and lots of persuasion i was still rejected -__- I must say its somewhat of a hurt to my pride but at the same time i know its for the better and besides the chances of me making it in this physical condition were pretty much slim to none. Rejection is always uneasy. Its ok considering i didnt have much time for it anyway but at the same time it would have been nice to have succeeded at something. Seems like everything i do lately has not been rewarded not that i really care about the rewards its just that it gets discouraging when you have not achieved anything for months. My last victory was on an orgo exam and that was in november. Guess its notable but in my current emotional condition it appears that everything matters exponentially and something so little as not being able to perform a procedure in a laboratory experiment takes a huge toll on my heart. My courage is withering as i live out everyday. Coming out of my comfort zone seems to be something that almost seems useless when you keep failing. I must say in recent months my pride has been shot so badly but maybe thats the point of all this... humility. im pretty sure im damn broken but humble? perhaps not yet..all i know is it hurts like hell

Back to the point---so ive been rejected from koinonia and tonics looks like im gonna call it quits with singing at least for awhile.