Personal but not Private

From today' Purpose Driven Connection devotional:

While your relationship to Christ is personal, God never intends it to be private. In God's family you are connected to every other believer, and we will belong to each other for eternity. The Bible says, "In Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others." (Romans 12:5 NIV)....
God's purposes for his church are identical to his five purposes for you. Worship helps you focus on God; fellowship helps you face life's problems; discipleship helps fortify your faith; ministry helps find your talents; power helps fulfill your mission. There is nothing else on earth like the church!

If you've known me for sometime I often ask whether or not you're "happy." Not quite sure when it started but over the years I've just come to realize that most people often have a hard time answering this and rarely do I receive a confident YES. Recently, it's been super hard for me to even bother to ask. It's amazing how afraid I've become of carrying others' burdens on my heart. I read somewhere that compassion can be described as something like, "carrying your heart in mine" which is exactly what it literally feels like. My heart gets so heavy and I almost physically feel the weight of others' brokenness. Call me burnt out, tired, or even distant from God but I know He's teaching me something so incredibly valuable about His love. Though I'm not deeply intimate with Him at this moment, I know with all my stubborn heart that when He sees me He feels the weight a gazillion times more than I could ever feel or imagine. Yet, He did it. He carried and carries my heart and the rest of the world's. I want to love again, I do. Teach me to not be afraid. Teach me to be a member of your body. Teach me to love with heartbreaking joy.

Not 100% sure how the devotional is related but just felt like sharing.

i absolutely love you.

It's the last Saturday of winter break and I must say this has been one of the most refreshing yet painful breaks of my four college years. Coming home to shouting and fighting is never a fun sight but who knew it would be such a blessing in disguise. Having spent all of the fall 09 semester trying to live with joy in my heart, as proposed in my previous post, I can only describe what happened as EPIC FAIL and TOTAL OWNAGE. Last semester could've possibly been the worst me ever. I was so lost by the millions of emotions piercing through my heart to the point where I often felt like totally exploding. As i watched the ones I love the most hurt and break I couldn't help but feel their pain but I was such a fool and couldn't see how God deeply desired for me to bring it all before Him-- to just cry with Him. I have spent 20 years being angry at my family and for the first time all I wanted to do was cry for them. It wasn't until the very end of my semester that I realized I was so deeply in pain FOR THEM rather than FROM them. And I hate how satan twisted empathy in a million ways to make me think that I was falling apart; that my life was a miserable mess that could not be saved, when in fact the emotions were all a blessing from God.

I was blinded and couldn't find the strength to sort through the emotions so everyday I would put off the loud voice in my head telling me to get on my knees and lay it all before Him. Obedience.I lacked it and as a result I couldn't hear or discern the truth without wanting to run to physically hear it from all the wrong places and people when all He wanted was to just cry with me. I couldn't see that all He wanted was to show me that His heart breaks a thousand times more than mine. My prayers during sophomore year had been answered, my heart was breaking for what broke His but my lack of obedience had brought me so far from the truth that I simply felt lost. So it took pretty much doing nothing at home and some painful words from the best friends for me to realize how much I had fallen for all sorts of lies. So that was my winter break..realizing that maybe this empathy thing IS a gift and that He's been slowly refining it.

In the midst of the chaos of my family I grew to love them so much more. With hope in my heart for their salvation I learned to fight my instincts to put up a wall or to run and to just love. For the first time in my life, I looked into my mom's eyes and listened to her pains and grievances and didn't feel a drop of anger but heartbreak, sorrow and I guess--love. In that moment she was the most beautifully broken woman in the world and I loved her more than anything. She's probably brought me the most pain in my life but it's because of her that I've learned we hurt the most for those we love the most. So I guess I've finally allowed myself to feel what my heart actually feels without immediately telling myself that I need to be strong. While this was so difficult to understand all of last semester, I think I now have a much better understanding of the blessing it is to have such a "gift" (that's in quotations because that's what people keep telling me it is..i still dont like calling it that haha).
It constantly reminds me of how little my capacity to love actually is and how much more the cross actually means.( If I can barely carry the burdens of one person how did He do it for the UNIVERSE?!?! )For the first time in 21 years, all I want to do is to hold her in a gentle embrace and tell her that I absolutely love her and have her understand it too.

Im tired.

too busy looking at the tiny things in comparison to the vastness of your kingdom. So busy focusing on individual kinks and flaws about lifestyle choices and faith in myself and others that ive forgotten the simple commandments to just love. Why cant i open my eyes and see not just the brokenness but the beauty of it all. Sometimes I forget that God has many roles but Hes not just a role-player..but the nouns and verbs that make up the complete yet simple pleasures of the heart. He is beauty, love, perfection, all of the above. How tiny a God I've made him to be..that its only my life and the relationships that He desires to be sovereign over. God has a big picture that i keep keep forgetting. why do i focus on such ridiculous things and not the calling he has for us to see the world in His eyes. not just..MY WORLD but HIS. HE must be my world. HE MUST. I cannot live like this anymore. I want to love HIS WORLD. not mine.

Simple! I THINK NOT

"Life is all about learning how to love, and God wants us to value relationships and make every effort to maintain them instead of discarding them whenever there is a rift, a hurt or a conflict."
- Rick Warren

Taking human development classes really has an effect on my perception of people and I often find myself categorizing personality types and attributing others' actions to the theories of people who spend their lives figuring out why people are the way they are. Though I want to be in on God's huge mysteries about His beloved ones, I find that I can know all the psychological mechanisms for certain behaviors or actions but I still cannot explain how BIG his Love was and is. I think the world is in bad shape when I type in the google search bar "define" and the first suggested word is love.

to be continued

take it day by day

God is taking me in so many directions. After taking the summer to do some thinking (and being physically active!!) I've come to the conclusion that I seldom ENJOY things. God's been teaching me this all summer and yet I still have trouble finding joy in all the things He's blessed me with. It's been a good summer- full of heartache, growth, change, fun, learning and love. He has slowly been maturing my faith and bringing me to a deeper level of intimacy with Him. Being home is always hard but as I face the brokenness I am constantly reminded of how much I need Him. Though it seems like I am the worst me when I'm at home, faith and the Cross becomes so much more real. When I fail as a friend, a daughter, and a sister His perfect love is that much more beautiful. While these lessons are heavy on the heart, I find hope in knowing that He is the one who loves and adores me-- that I can wake up tomorrow and try again. There is deep joy in my heart from knowing that He delights in me and wants to share His beauty with me and through me. While it often appears that I am doing everything but the latter, I find peace in knowing that it doesn't change the fact that that is still what He desires--for me to share His holiness.

My professor once discussed the culture of overachieving college students (cornell kids in particular hahaha) who have always planned out their whole lives and have taken every means necessary to prepare and reach their goals. This rang so TRUE for so many of us in that lecture hall and I am sure it speaks much of our generation. For a long time that's how I've always known to live my life--set a goal and reach it. But over this summer I've come to realize that maybe its really not about the goals but the journey. I know it seems really simplistic and almost common knowledge but I've just been programmed to ACHIEVE, EXCEL, ACHIEVE SOME MORE. It took a 5 mile run and a whole lot of failing, frustration, and good friends to realize that FAITH means so much more than that. God has called us not to be doctors, lawyers, or some form of high status professional, but to simply live everyday as His children. Goals are awesome in that they provide a sense of direction but it's the journey that is just as important, if not more. With that in mind, I am re-energized and just about ready for whats to come in my last year of college as I learn to ENJOY Him and all the blessings He's given me.

tryptophan makes me trippy

Guess its been awhile since ive posted. Life has been interesting. I'm so excited to see where God is taking me. Though I know we've been distant, and that its entirely my fault, He still gives me grace and lets me know that He's waiting and adoring me. Biochem quiz tomorrow...i will update for you folks later.

CONCENTRATE

concentrate on whats important girl!!!!! a million things are running through my head...PRAY PRAY PRAY!!!