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Hello all so i guess ive given in...this is my blogspot debut. I've actually had this blog for awhile but i had orginially used it as a way to journal instead of writing it all...personally typing inspires alot more creativity because it just looks neater and its so much faster...hahahah anyway but i feel like there isnt much to hide from you all and if i did i probably just wouldnt blog it. but anyway just to warn you all im pretty emo hahah ok bye

Kelly Clarkson - Irvine..i love kelly

Are you there?
Are you watching me?
As I lie here on this floor
They say you feel what I do
They say you’re here every moment
Will you stay?
Stay ‘till the darkness leaves
Stay here with me
I know you’re busy, I know I’m just one
But you might be the only one who sees me
The only one to save me

Why is it so hard?
Why can’t you just take me?
I don’t have much to go
Before I fade completely

Can you feel how cold I am?
Do you cry as I do?
Are you lonely up there all by yourself?
Like I have felt all my life
The only one to save mine

How are you so strong?
What’s it like to feel so free?
Your heart is really something
Your love, a complete mystery to me

Are you there watching me?
As I lie here on this floor
Do you cry, do you cry with me?
Cry with me tonight

Are you there?
Are you watching me?






almost a year now..i have to admit... its still so hard

She came and left

its so surreal seeing her here, telling her about the troubles of my heart when in actuality all i really wanted to say was- i miss you and its been hard without you. Pouring out my love is hard when I dont even have some for myself but pastor Kyle is right--other people matter more than me. She was a breathe of fresh air and a reminder of the person that every girl wishes to be including herself. Today it felt a little different-- like our burdens were shared and that my heart had been hurt and broken the way hers had been except she was smarter about it -__-. We are sisters in a world of distance. Its like our force fields collide and merge as we protect ourselves from the pains of life. I always trail behind her but at least Im there hoping that i could just have her force field envelope mine. It's like she's always the one to say, "its going to be ok" without ever actually saying it. Broken into a million pieces but maybe one day ill be able to use my half fixed self and be a fighting force for others. until then- i need to learn this mystery that is grace. I love because He loved me - something that should make all the sense in the world but is somehow a complete mystery. I love and i always will.

Brother Hsueh

tictac2k (7:19:03 PM): i was thinking about when we were kids and i my first memory of you was when i came back from taiwan and you were showing me those like rulers that snap around your wrist

tictac2k (7:19:27 PM): and i remember...NOT remembering you cause i was kinda shy

tictac2k (7:19:38 PM): cause i was in taiwan for so long

tictac2k (7:20:02 PM): ok i know thats random and u probably dont care

PinnacIe Chronos (7:20:09 PM): ic

PinnacIe Chronos (7:20:15 PM): good story

PinnacIe Chronos (7:20:19 PM): not much has changed

PinnacIe Chronos (7:20:24 PM): i still show you the coolest stuff

PinnacIe Chronos (7:20:29 PM): except you have a better haircut

let it go

So i thought of our conversation and i think its time i let go of my crazy thoughts. there are times when i want to believe certain things aand im so sure of it..but its time i come to grips with reality and remind myself that i am a freakin stubborn and self righteous sinner. I am not as open or loving as i used to be..i am slowly becoming the person that i did NOT want to become. As i live this life I want to find my peace again. find my place where i can love again. Sad thing is i know where it starts and i know how but i just dont do it. i dunno if its cause im scared but its gonna happen soon i can feel it...it all depends on if i want it BAD ENOUGH.

I am so unworthy of it. The fact that i know he and I will be destined to be together (by a Perfect Matchmaker) gives me peace...genuine peace and at the same time a sense of unworthiness. I am going to be so lucky. As long as i am reminded of this i will be ok =]

acapella

after thinking about joining koinonia for the past 4 semesters here at binghamton..my questions on this matter have finally been answered..it is not for me simply because of the fact that i didnt make it. hahahaha. theres that whole deal about it not being God's will and I have to respect that but i cant help but feel somewhat discouraged. After being pretty much asked to try out and lots of persuasion i was still rejected -__- I must say its somewhat of a hurt to my pride but at the same time i know its for the better and besides the chances of me making it in this physical condition were pretty much slim to none. Rejection is always uneasy. Its ok considering i didnt have much time for it anyway but at the same time it would have been nice to have succeeded at something. Seems like everything i do lately has not been rewarded not that i really care about the rewards its just that it gets discouraging when you have not achieved anything for months. My last victory was on an orgo exam and that was in november. Guess its notable but in my current emotional condition it appears that everything matters exponentially and something so little as not being able to perform a procedure in a laboratory experiment takes a huge toll on my heart. My courage is withering as i live out everyday. Coming out of my comfort zone seems to be something that almost seems useless when you keep failing. I must say in recent months my pride has been shot so badly but maybe thats the point of all this... humility. im pretty sure im damn broken but humble? perhaps not yet..all i know is it hurts like hell

Back to the point---so ive been rejected from koinonia and tonics looks like im gonna call it quits with singing at least for awhile.