i absolutely love you.

It's the last Saturday of winter break and I must say this has been one of the most refreshing yet painful breaks of my four college years. Coming home to shouting and fighting is never a fun sight but who knew it would be such a blessing in disguise. Having spent all of the fall 09 semester trying to live with joy in my heart, as proposed in my previous post, I can only describe what happened as EPIC FAIL and TOTAL OWNAGE. Last semester could've possibly been the worst me ever. I was so lost by the millions of emotions piercing through my heart to the point where I often felt like totally exploding. As i watched the ones I love the most hurt and break I couldn't help but feel their pain but I was such a fool and couldn't see how God deeply desired for me to bring it all before Him-- to just cry with Him. I have spent 20 years being angry at my family and for the first time all I wanted to do was cry for them. It wasn't until the very end of my semester that I realized I was so deeply in pain FOR THEM rather than FROM them. And I hate how satan twisted empathy in a million ways to make me think that I was falling apart; that my life was a miserable mess that could not be saved, when in fact the emotions were all a blessing from God.

I was blinded and couldn't find the strength to sort through the emotions so everyday I would put off the loud voice in my head telling me to get on my knees and lay it all before Him. Obedience.I lacked it and as a result I couldn't hear or discern the truth without wanting to run to physically hear it from all the wrong places and people when all He wanted was to just cry with me. I couldn't see that all He wanted was to show me that His heart breaks a thousand times more than mine. My prayers during sophomore year had been answered, my heart was breaking for what broke His but my lack of obedience had brought me so far from the truth that I simply felt lost. So it took pretty much doing nothing at home and some painful words from the best friends for me to realize how much I had fallen for all sorts of lies. So that was my winter break..realizing that maybe this empathy thing IS a gift and that He's been slowly refining it.

In the midst of the chaos of my family I grew to love them so much more. With hope in my heart for their salvation I learned to fight my instincts to put up a wall or to run and to just love. For the first time in my life, I looked into my mom's eyes and listened to her pains and grievances and didn't feel a drop of anger but heartbreak, sorrow and I guess--love. In that moment she was the most beautifully broken woman in the world and I loved her more than anything. She's probably brought me the most pain in my life but it's because of her that I've learned we hurt the most for those we love the most. So I guess I've finally allowed myself to feel what my heart actually feels without immediately telling myself that I need to be strong. While this was so difficult to understand all of last semester, I think I now have a much better understanding of the blessing it is to have such a "gift" (that's in quotations because that's what people keep telling me it is..i still dont like calling it that haha).
It constantly reminds me of how little my capacity to love actually is and how much more the cross actually means.( If I can barely carry the burdens of one person how did He do it for the UNIVERSE?!?! )For the first time in 21 years, all I want to do is to hold her in a gentle embrace and tell her that I absolutely love her and have her understand it too.

Im tired.

too busy looking at the tiny things in comparison to the vastness of your kingdom. So busy focusing on individual kinks and flaws about lifestyle choices and faith in myself and others that ive forgotten the simple commandments to just love. Why cant i open my eyes and see not just the brokenness but the beauty of it all. Sometimes I forget that God has many roles but Hes not just a role-player..but the nouns and verbs that make up the complete yet simple pleasures of the heart. He is beauty, love, perfection, all of the above. How tiny a God I've made him to be..that its only my life and the relationships that He desires to be sovereign over. God has a big picture that i keep keep forgetting. why do i focus on such ridiculous things and not the calling he has for us to see the world in His eyes. not just..MY WORLD but HIS. HE must be my world. HE MUST. I cannot live like this anymore. I want to love HIS WORLD. not mine.