TUMBLR

Hello I decided to start a new blog on tumblr cause its easier to use hahahaha. Since i dont publicly advertise this blog i might just keep this as a more private one and post more personal things here. So for now-- you can go to my tumblr instead.

http://marecanshare.tumblr.com/

You dont know what it means to lose something until you've lost it.

I watched a movie called Aftershock the other day. It's a Chinese movie about the earthquake in 1976 at Tangshan, China. I have to say its one of the most emotional movies I've seen in a long time perhaps ever. I watched it with my parents after a long delicious home-cooked meal. I love my parents. I can see the change in my heart as God teaches me about roles, responsibilities, boundaries and so on.. Family is a beautiful thing no matter how broken.

Lately, its been hard to find joy in studying. Some stuff have been on my mind and I'm starting to think I have a problem with letting things get to me. You ever feel like screaming at the top of your lungs everything you feel? I wish I had hiro nakamura's powers I'd teleport to every person that I never had the guts to stand up to, freeze time and then tell them exactly how I've felt. Nobody would know!!

take me home

My 11 year old cousin (Alicia) and the rest of the children are having their VBS thingamabobber at church this week. 2 little girls from brooklyn are staying with us while they attend the VBS here.
One is 8 (Baracka!) and she definitely can give Agnes a run for her money. The other one is 10 and is by far the most mature 10 year old (Rebecca) I've ever met. Though they are unrelated, Rebecca is an awesome big sister to Baracka. I asked if they were cousins or related and Baracka answers, " No, but we're sister's in the Lord" in that childish slow high pitched voice. It was awesome. Call me a creeper but Im listening to their conversation while they wash up. (My room is connected to the bathroom)

8 year old (shes showering): Oopsie daisy!
10 year old: What happened?
8 year old: I forgot my underwear!

puahahaha

Must say this has been a rather odd week for me. Filled with ups and downs..and of course more revelations about myself. To be honest with you I'm not sure why I wanted to isolate myself and come to a new environment but it was a decision I decided to make FOR MYSELF. Some days it feels like the whole "dying to yourself" is not working out when everyday just feels like you're losing it! Then there are days I spend with God and am completely at peace with who he made me to be. This is a storm alright. Today in church the pastor mentioned that "the storms in our lives do NOT define who we are but REVEAL who we are." This just seemed to put things more in perspective. That all this self discovering in the suburbs is simply a time after the storm when I can finally gather myself and I guess you can say im still a little dizzy.

The city girl in me cant help but feel complete aggravation and frustration at the protected and sheltered lifestyle I've experienced here. I feel like I've been trapped in a box. BUT in the midst of the containment I am able to see how deeply loved I am. Im telling you...ups and downs galore.

My dad recently found some home videos of when I was little. Man, I WAS really loved and soo happy and playful. But if you watch the videos chronologically you start to see a trend where I become less and less sure of myself (and more awkward too!!). I wonder what happened? When I watch the videos I cant help but feel like I'm that same girl that ran away as soon as the camera was on her. At least right now, I'm insecure. I've defined myself 10,000 ways from my upbringing, my relationships, my education, my experience etc. Through all this..one things for certain, I may not always have control of my circumstances BUT i am responsible for my attitudes, behaviors, expectations, and desires. Too often I've made excuses for other people and even more for myself! . In the midst of the constant debates with myself I've come to realize there is only one thing that can bring about reliable and steadfast change in my heart and of course...it is His grace and truth. Blessed are the poor in spirit--took me a while to understand this and I'm still not fully sure of what it means. I'm so tired of listening to a thousand voices (and people) tell me who I am. And all i know is...I dont have the strength to tell MYSELF anymore. So im just gonna watch Him do the work and wait for Him to take me through this storm.

commitment

i think ive started a bunch of posts and never got around to publishing them. I guess i figured if people are going to read it, I should give them something worthwhile to read but then I realized...it really doessn't matter--

SO here's whats been up with me

SUBURBIA

I grew up in Flushing, Queens and its probably one of the most diverse places I've ever encountered. Definitely cannot say the same about Acton, MA. Ive been here for 3 full days now and have yet to encounter another Asian (in public at least). Also, I've witnessed a tractor driving on a highway (well it was one of those really wide and busy streets that are practically highways)! It's amazing how interesting things get when everything is slowed down or maybe its just cause I never pay attention. This morning I sat down with some Earl Grey, my Bible, journal and Priscilla Ahn (in ipod form of course heh). As I listened to Good day, I couldn't help but feel like I was seeing a tiny glimpse of what bliss is -- when you are entirely yourself and at peace with who you are, who you're with, and even where you'll be later. Maybe this is what I needed after all. Thanks for slowing things down so that I could listen to the music again.

ALSO!! I make my bed and help set the table for dinner everyday. I like it.

daddys girl

Dear LanLan,

...Do you still remember what I told you "....You are precious to your future husband." Continue be happy. Keep your head up. I will be with you, support you, love you for whole my life.

Dad

Me as a High School Senior

Life is existent and involved in every form and shape in the vast and everlasting sciences of the world. Whether it is the birth of a child, or the spread of a virus, life is the eternal source by which the universe has come to be. As life is lived and becomes more complex, knowledge is stretched and intellect is constantly being developed. Thus, with such thoughts in mind one is prompted to question: What is the purpose of life and what does it take for one to sustain it?

As I watched a video of the starving children in Africa, an overwhelming sensation of pity and despair consumed me. To see that such people do not have the slightest chance to experience the glory of life caused me to be both, sorrowful and furious at the fragility of life. Therefore, studying medicine, biology, and human development has always been my driving force to contribute as much as possible to life and mankind. Sustaining human life allows one to be part of a developing science that is the foundation of existence and thus, allows the universe to be an eternally developing place. Whether it is finding a cure to cancer, discovering a new gene, or simply putting a smile on a person’s face, I am certain that the gratification received from contributing to a person’s life or to the life of mankind, outweighs any other feelings of achievement.

It is knowledge that allows our life to be lived to its fullest but; it is life that allows one to achieve the omnipotence of knowledge and the powers of compassion. Thus, embracing life for what it is not only allows for a deeper level of intellect but allows the spread of such knowledge, contributing in ways that may benefit one child or even the world. I am certain such thoughts constantly run through the mind of the ideal physician, as they put their whole heart and care into each patient, everyday.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All i have to say is wow.....I was such an idealist. Interesting how not too much has changed in the last four years. I was an interesting girl back then.

Stop doing Start being

When i let go of who I am, I become who I might be.

Personal but not Private

From today' Purpose Driven Connection devotional:

While your relationship to Christ is personal, God never intends it to be private. In God's family you are connected to every other believer, and we will belong to each other for eternity. The Bible says, "In Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others." (Romans 12:5 NIV)....
God's purposes for his church are identical to his five purposes for you. Worship helps you focus on God; fellowship helps you face life's problems; discipleship helps fortify your faith; ministry helps find your talents; power helps fulfill your mission. There is nothing else on earth like the church!

If you've known me for sometime I often ask whether or not you're "happy." Not quite sure when it started but over the years I've just come to realize that most people often have a hard time answering this and rarely do I receive a confident YES. Recently, it's been super hard for me to even bother to ask. It's amazing how afraid I've become of carrying others' burdens on my heart. I read somewhere that compassion can be described as something like, "carrying your heart in mine" which is exactly what it literally feels like. My heart gets so heavy and I almost physically feel the weight of others' brokenness. Call me burnt out, tired, or even distant from God but I know He's teaching me something so incredibly valuable about His love. Though I'm not deeply intimate with Him at this moment, I know with all my stubborn heart that when He sees me He feels the weight a gazillion times more than I could ever feel or imagine. Yet, He did it. He carried and carries my heart and the rest of the world's. I want to love again, I do. Teach me to not be afraid. Teach me to be a member of your body. Teach me to love with heartbreaking joy.

Not 100% sure how the devotional is related but just felt like sharing.

i absolutely love you.

It's the last Saturday of winter break and I must say this has been one of the most refreshing yet painful breaks of my four college years. Coming home to shouting and fighting is never a fun sight but who knew it would be such a blessing in disguise. Having spent all of the fall 09 semester trying to live with joy in my heart, as proposed in my previous post, I can only describe what happened as EPIC FAIL and TOTAL OWNAGE. Last semester could've possibly been the worst me ever. I was so lost by the millions of emotions piercing through my heart to the point where I often felt like totally exploding. As i watched the ones I love the most hurt and break I couldn't help but feel their pain but I was such a fool and couldn't see how God deeply desired for me to bring it all before Him-- to just cry with Him. I have spent 20 years being angry at my family and for the first time all I wanted to do was cry for them. It wasn't until the very end of my semester that I realized I was so deeply in pain FOR THEM rather than FROM them. And I hate how satan twisted empathy in a million ways to make me think that I was falling apart; that my life was a miserable mess that could not be saved, when in fact the emotions were all a blessing from God.

I was blinded and couldn't find the strength to sort through the emotions so everyday I would put off the loud voice in my head telling me to get on my knees and lay it all before Him. Obedience.I lacked it and as a result I couldn't hear or discern the truth without wanting to run to physically hear it from all the wrong places and people when all He wanted was to just cry with me. I couldn't see that all He wanted was to show me that His heart breaks a thousand times more than mine. My prayers during sophomore year had been answered, my heart was breaking for what broke His but my lack of obedience had brought me so far from the truth that I simply felt lost. So it took pretty much doing nothing at home and some painful words from the best friends for me to realize how much I had fallen for all sorts of lies. So that was my winter break..realizing that maybe this empathy thing IS a gift and that He's been slowly refining it.

In the midst of the chaos of my family I grew to love them so much more. With hope in my heart for their salvation I learned to fight my instincts to put up a wall or to run and to just love. For the first time in my life, I looked into my mom's eyes and listened to her pains and grievances and didn't feel a drop of anger but heartbreak, sorrow and I guess--love. In that moment she was the most beautifully broken woman in the world and I loved her more than anything. She's probably brought me the most pain in my life but it's because of her that I've learned we hurt the most for those we love the most. So I guess I've finally allowed myself to feel what my heart actually feels without immediately telling myself that I need to be strong. While this was so difficult to understand all of last semester, I think I now have a much better understanding of the blessing it is to have such a "gift" (that's in quotations because that's what people keep telling me it is..i still dont like calling it that haha).
It constantly reminds me of how little my capacity to love actually is and how much more the cross actually means.( If I can barely carry the burdens of one person how did He do it for the UNIVERSE?!?! )For the first time in 21 years, all I want to do is to hold her in a gentle embrace and tell her that I absolutely love her and have her understand it too.

Im tired.

too busy looking at the tiny things in comparison to the vastness of your kingdom. So busy focusing on individual kinks and flaws about lifestyle choices and faith in myself and others that ive forgotten the simple commandments to just love. Why cant i open my eyes and see not just the brokenness but the beauty of it all. Sometimes I forget that God has many roles but Hes not just a role-player..but the nouns and verbs that make up the complete yet simple pleasures of the heart. He is beauty, love, perfection, all of the above. How tiny a God I've made him to be..that its only my life and the relationships that He desires to be sovereign over. God has a big picture that i keep keep forgetting. why do i focus on such ridiculous things and not the calling he has for us to see the world in His eyes. not just..MY WORLD but HIS. HE must be my world. HE MUST. I cannot live like this anymore. I want to love HIS WORLD. not mine.