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Must say this has been a rather odd week for me. Filled with ups and downs..and of course more revelations about myself. To be honest with you I'm not sure why I wanted to isolate myself and come to a new environment but it was a decision I decided to make FOR MYSELF. Some days it feels like the whole "dying to yourself" is not working out when everyday just feels like you're losing it! Then there are days I spend with God and am completely at peace with who he made me to be. This is a storm alright. Today in church the pastor mentioned that "the storms in our lives do NOT define who we are but REVEAL who we are." This just seemed to put things more in perspective. That all this self discovering in the suburbs is simply a time after the storm when I can finally gather myself and I guess you can say im still a little dizzy.

The city girl in me cant help but feel complete aggravation and frustration at the protected and sheltered lifestyle I've experienced here. I feel like I've been trapped in a box. BUT in the midst of the containment I am able to see how deeply loved I am. Im telling you...ups and downs galore.

My dad recently found some home videos of when I was little. Man, I WAS really loved and soo happy and playful. But if you watch the videos chronologically you start to see a trend where I become less and less sure of myself (and more awkward too!!). I wonder what happened? When I watch the videos I cant help but feel like I'm that same girl that ran away as soon as the camera was on her. At least right now, I'm insecure. I've defined myself 10,000 ways from my upbringing, my relationships, my education, my experience etc. Through all this..one things for certain, I may not always have control of my circumstances BUT i am responsible for my attitudes, behaviors, expectations, and desires. Too often I've made excuses for other people and even more for myself! . In the midst of the constant debates with myself I've come to realize there is only one thing that can bring about reliable and steadfast change in my heart and of course...it is His grace and truth. Blessed are the poor in spirit--took me a while to understand this and I'm still not fully sure of what it means. I'm so tired of listening to a thousand voices (and people) tell me who I am. And all i know is...I dont have the strength to tell MYSELF anymore. So im just gonna watch Him do the work and wait for Him to take me through this storm.